Wonderland
by LuluCastle
Summary: Richard was declared as 'mudered' right on their wedding day. But after one year jaded thoughts and severe depression FBI reports to Beckett that he was alive. How will Kate react? Based on 7x01 'Driven'.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: **Richard was declared as 'mudered' right on their wedding day. But after one year jaded thoughts and severe depression FBI reports to Beckett that he was alive. How will Kate react? Based on 7x01 'Driven'.**

One year of coping with the loss of a loved one. Richard Castle.

There are times when more than one emotion seems to take hold at once, and you may feel as if you're "going crazy." It's natural to feel this way, as it's normal to experience a number of different feelings.

That's what Beckett was experiencing all year, full of flashbacks of the same scenarios replaying inside of her head. Again and again…

The moment she saw the paramedics picking up his motionless body and placing him inside bus of mourning agency, she stopped talking with people and closed herself completely. She couldn't let another person enter into her life and make her get through emotional trauma again.

Besides no one was Castle. No one could hug or touch her like him, and make everything negative and bad go away. No one could make her smile or laugh even on the worst days like him, or turn a tragedy into a cheering up joke. Everything was reminding her of him.

And that's one of the reasons she moved back into her old apartment on the corner of Varick Street and Franklin Street.

People say while you're are coping with loss, it's important to gather a support group around you for those times when you might need them. Like Family. But she stopped connecting with any people that reminded her of him. It was too painful, like pouring salt into the wound. In her situation more like lava into the cut…

Years ago she thought that solving her mother's case would make her life, so much easier and that she and the love her life will live happy and peacefully together. But it's like the destiny just wants Detective Beckett to be one miserable and pathetic cop buried alive, with no one near her.

And unfortunately that's how it was.

 **1st May, 2015**

Taking turtle steps she slowly came back into her daily life. One of the things that helped Kate to step back on her feet was reading the book ' _Its Source, Pain, and Healing_ ', which her therapist recommended. The author taught her how to live her own life again. It wasn't that easy, but by working through overcoming the death of a loved one, she was coming to a place of accepting the death as a reality.

Kate was still pretty closed and didn't corresponded much with people if it wasn't related to work. Only people she could talk to were her colleagues and therapist.

Working was the best excuse for everything and her best distraction. Sometimes she would go for a run in the park, but most of the time she preferred yoga at her own loft.

x-x-x-x

As she was stepping out from the elevator, leading her to the morgue, Kate made sure the folder of evidences in her hands is the right one.

There was one of the closest people in her life that made sure Kate was eating properly and going on her therapy sessions all this time.

Kate and Lanie have been best friends and colleagues forever, especially since she gave Beckett advice about her relationship with Castle or what to wear on her dates. Beckett even asked her to be her maid of honor. But since the accident with Castle they haven't talked much the past year.

Which her friend understood and gave her the space and time she needed.

"Hey." Kate mumbled, making the Medical Examiner turn around, from the table.

A little smile formed on Lanie's lips when she saw her best friend, standing there with folder in her hands.

"Hey, what are you doing down here?" she asked.

"I uhm – just wanted to thank you." Kate muttered dumbly, bouncing from foot to foot.

"For what?"

"I guess for everything." Kate sighed and Lanie raised an eyebrow at her. "I mean – for making sure I am okay, all this time? And for keeping my father posted on whether I am going on therapy or not." She laughed at the end and the M.E only smirked.

"I just know that I wasn't really good at listening and I am sorry."

Kate had a lot of break downs this year and Lanie was the one who picked her up from every nasty bar, getting her back at home, sobering her up. Most of it is blur, but she knew her friend was always there.

"Seems like you could've done that over the phone." Her friend teased lightly, taking off her gloves. "Alright. Talk to me girlfriend, tell me what's on your mind."

Lanie is a very sassy, outspoken person who tends to say what she wants, sometimes with that hint of humorous sarcasm. But when it comes to something serious she is one of the few people Beckett can talk to easily and without reservations.

"I want to be like my old self." Kate spitted out, sitting on one of the chairs.

"Like your old self?" Lanie repeated dumbly.

"Yes. I want to be more socialized, to go out like a normal person and to look at Martha and Alexis or anyone related to Rick, without going into a depressive state. I want to be next them just like they were, when…-"She paused on sigh, feeling the vein on her forehead popping out. "I feel super selfish, you know?"

"Honey, they know you are having a hard time. It's not like you don't care about them."

"But that shouldn't be a reason. They are having a hard time, too and I wasn't next to them. Alexis lost her dad and I, just – I ran off like the most-"

"You were healing." Lanie spoke in calm tone.

Tears gathered into her eyes, wishing she could take a break and go back at home. But that would lead her to more bad thoughts. Work was good distraction, really exhausting distraction.

"I need him, Lanie. I can't do this without him. Every night it's so quiet in my loft without his presence. Whenever I wake up in the middle of night I am extending my arm sideways to check if he is there, but – he isn't."

Hot tears were streaming down on her cheeks, quickly wiping them, while Lanie was trying to keep herself from embracing Kate in a tight hug.

"If I could turn back time I will do everything possible to protect him or even sacrifice myself for him. But I can't. And life without him is meaningless. It's – It's I don't even know if there is a word describing all of this. I can't even go to his grave, I can't look at photos of him…-"

"Kate you-"

"I betrayed him." She shrugged, shaking her head. "If I was dead, he would never do this. He would go on my grave and put some flowers, talk to me. He would tell me about his day, about how Gina is yelling at him to write more chapters."

"Rick would never betray me like I did."

x-x-x-x

 **17th May, 2015**

Therapy offers you a safe, confidential place to talk about your life and anything that may be confusing, painful or uncomfortable. It allows you to talk with someone who is trained to listen attentively and to help you improve things.

This someone was .

"Which thing reminds you the most of him?"

"Everything." She answered in husky voice. Honestly, even when she ate fruits they were reminding her of him. Apples was his safe word.

"But mostly things like the chair in the precinct, or the engagement ring on my hand." Kate lifted up her left hand to show the sparkling diamond at her therapist.

"Does it makes you feel better when you wear it?" His deep voice spoke calmingly.

"It is part of me, just like my mom's ring. But this one is different."

"How, so?"

"When I wear my mother's ring, it's like I keep her with me. Like she is somewhere around me and I don't feel alone. But with Rick's ring, it reminds me of all the bad things and sometimes I want to throw it away, but I can't – because then It would feel like I betrayed him."

Her therapist bobbed his head up and down slowly, forming his sentence. "It's clear that the ring doesn't make you feel any better."

Kate nodded, biting unconsciously on her bottom lip.

"And is dead, you can't betray him. You have to learn to live with that the same way you did with your mother. Otherwise if you keep it that way it may cause you another PTSD triggers and lead to strong and inevitable depression." Her heart shattered at 'dead'.

"It's not that easy." She growled, shaking her head.

"That's why we'll go step by step and reach the point where you'll accept everything that happened that day." He wrote something down in his notebook, pausing and then adverting his eyes up back to her.

"First thing I'll suggest you is to try taking off the ring and putting it somewhere safe, knowing no one will touch it. In that way you'll feel better and you're going to keep him close."

Egh.

Being on therapy was exhausting and soothing at the same time. Sometimes it is necessary to talk about painful feelings or difficult decisions, so you may go through a period of feeling worse than when you started. However, therapy should enable you to feel better in the long-run.

Entering her loft she met with silence.

After putting her coat on the hanger, she threw her keys on the mini coffee table and propped herself down on the soft coach.

Oh, yes. It was pretty quiet as always.

Kate's trouble was not always in being alone; it was being lonely in the presence of others. She felt lonely even in the midst of a crowd. Because Rick wasn't here.

She extended her right hand up to look at the beautiful engagement ring on her finger, thinking about what suggested her. With heavy sigh she stood up making her way towards the bedroom to search a place for the ring, but that's when her cell phone rang.

"Really?" Kate rolled her eyes, tiredly.

Glancing down at the screen she saw the number which was calling her was hidden. Odd. The only people she was communicating with were her father and people from the precinct. And it scared her that it could be someone she didn't want to talk to.

Finally deciding on what to do she swiped her finger to answer, placing the phone at her ear waiting for the person on the other line to speak first.

"Detective Beckett?" Female voice spoke through the speaker.

It could be something related to work.

"This is she." Kate tried to keep her voice steady and sound more confident.

"I am Special Agent Alaska , calling from the FBI to inform you that we were finally ordered to tell you classified information about Richard Castle's disappearance, which was strongly hidden away from people till now."

Hearing these words nearly made Kate drop the phone on the floor, but she brought herself to sit down on the bed feeling the anxiety building up her body. Did she heard correctly the Agent saying 'disappearance' instead of 'murder'?

"Mrs. Beckett are you still there?" the woman on the other end of the line spoke.

Clearing her throat she nodded dumbly even thought, the woman couldn't see her.

"Yes." She breathed into the microphone.

What the hell was going on?

"Considering, It's classified we can't reveal this information to you on the phone, so we must meet in person. Would you like to tell us from where we can pick you up?"

This wasn't happening, right? It must be some kind of a joke or a dream.

She was about to learn who did this to her fiancé and among other things, that were hidden away from her.

Why now?

….To Be Continued….

 **Please tell me we whether I should continue this story or not.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Enjoy.**

A black SVU came at her building to pick her up, heading them towards their basement.

Kate was in the back seats the whole ride, picking on her nails and biting anxiously on her lip, trying to not show any flinch of emotion.

Her body was seated on the middle and there were two agents on her both sides, with black suits and poker faces.

Kate was studying quietly Agent Alaska, who was driving the vehicle and who called her on the phone.

She wondered what is this all about and why now.

Her mind was aware that asking herself all of these questions was meaningless, because she was about to understand very soon. But still. She couldn't just pretend like it's no big deal and remain calm.

One year living in complete wonderland and finally she was about to get some answers.

Somehow all of this didn't make her feel any better or relieved. Richard Castle was never coming back and things were never going to be same again.

 _Nothing goes as planned_

 _Everything will break_

 _People say goodbye_

 _In their own special way_ _…_ _._

"Detective, we are here." The female agent announced, making Kate snap out of her dream and look at the surroundings.

When the agents led her out of the car, not for first time they ordered her to put a black blindfold around her eyes, so she couldn't take a peak. Not that she was interested in what it's like in the FBI basement, anyways. Only thing she was determined to know is what happened with her fiancé.

She needed answers.

Finally going what if feels like 20 meters under the city, the elevator's doors opened and the agents gave Kate the permission to remove her blindfold.

First thing that Kate focused on was the familiar figure talking to one of the people there.

"Lanie?" Kate croaked out in surprise, confusion filling up on her face.

"Huh?" She turned away from the guy she was talking with and her eyes widened in surprise. "Kate."

"What – what's going on, why are you here?" The detective stepped away from Agent Alaska, walking towards her friend.

 _What does Lanie have to do with this?_

Everyone in the room focused on her, staring like she is some kind of animal. Even the people who were working on their computers stopped typing on the keyboards to look up at the confused detective.

Beckett could notice how the M.E was gathering her thoughts and taking a few breaths before saying "Kate, whatever happens after what I am about to tell you – I want you to know that I am really sorry." Lanie spoke in shaky breath.

"What are you talking about?" Kate's eyebrows gathered in confusion, feeling her pulse raising up from panic. Everyone around her were still staring. The room filled with tension.

"Why did you bring me here?" Anger started boiling inside her veins.

Her gaze turned sideways to look at the agents, losing any kind of patience. "Stop staring at me and answer my questions!" Her voice raised hoarsely and lungs tightening.

"Listen Kate – no one wanted us to keep this from you, but we were told to not-"

"Just tell me!" She totally lose it.

"Castle is alive."

Silence fell upon the room, the only thing audible was the strong beat of her heart thrumming against her ribs. Even with no blood pressure inside of her legs, she managed to take a step closer to her friend.

"You know," She took a deep breath, swallowing down the pain. "You are the last person I expected to be joking about something like this."

"Kate why would I-"Lanie was cut off by Agent Alaska who was right behind them.

" I know you went through a lot and this may seem a little bit-"

Something between pain and anger crept into her veins, causing her to discard all she'd been through to the agent who thought she knew everything.

"Listen to me, you know bullshit!" She pointed her finger at the woman who was trying hard to keep on straight face. "Nobody knows a damn thing like I do, nobody here had experienced things like I did. I saw his body motionless laying on the ground. He is dead. And -"

Her jaw clenched, fisting her hands tight.

"Do you know what is like to have hope for so long and wish all of this was just a nightmare and then some FBI agents, to come to you and tell you they have something? But actually they have some leads that are not even enough for re-opening the case. It's sad how you ridicule my feelings to people who I've lost."

Her voice croaked at the end, making her pause for a moment and start again before anyone could stop her. She needed to express all the anger she kept from the people.

"So instead of poking inside of my fresh wounds by saying things like _'Castle is alive'_ , you should find a solid lead and then gather some courage to call me." She turned her head slightly to glare at Lanie and then headed for the elevator on her shaky legs.

"I want to go home, now." Kate mumbled and the agents led, her out.

When the elevator doors closed Lanie walked towards the agent.

"I am really sorry-"

"It's okay." She smiled kindly. "It's understandable, she had been through a lot."

"Kate doesn't seem to believe us." Lanie sighed, shrugging her arms.

"She just needs some time."

"Yeah. I'll go and check on Mr. Castle's family and try to contact him."

It didn't went good.

x-x-x-x

Throwing herself on the bed, she buried her face in the pillows silencing her sobs. Not that someone could hear her, but for some reason she was silencing them for herself.

Kate felt trapped under miles of rock, no light seeping through, and the rescue workers weren't coming to save her. It's a feeling mixed with loss, fear and deflated dreams.

She was scared to believe.

Many people push their feelings aside and bury themselves in distractions to keep from crying. And one of those people was Kate Beckett, but not anymore. She sobbed and clenched her hands into tight fists, gripping the pillows wishing she could rip them off.

She couldn't go back and remember when, was the last time she was happy.

It felt like she was treading through mud with a ball and chain tied to her leg. The mud is the lack of motivation, and the ball and chain is the feeling of hopelessness. They both drag her down but she was still pushing through.

Her body and mind had no energy, no interests in anything. She lost her interests in helping herself.

It was like a choking mist of darkness that she had to venture through, that she woke up to, and that she fell asleep to.

Kate heard some kind of pounding noise in the background, but that didn't stopped her from crying. She figured out it was someone of the neighbors.

She slowed down her sobs, anyway, because her head was pulsing painfully against her skull.

But then again the same noise came out from the living room. Oh. The door. Right.

 _Can I cry peacefully for a second?_

She wiped away the tears and ruined mascara of her face and went to the door to deal with whoever was knocking.

The fists were continuing to pound against the wooden door, but before opening it she removed the safety of her Glock and pushed it in the waistband of her jeans, hiding it under the shirt.

She had to be prepared.

Pushing the door knob down, she swing the door wide open, looking at the man in the doorway.

Her whole body went slack, her jaw clenched and her fists grasped the doorknob.

The man was looking her the same way Rick Castle did one year ago. He was with the same body frame like his, but this one was little thinner. His eyes ocean blue.

She had to be strong for this one.

"Kate?" He spoke, emotion filling up his face. Wow and his voice was the same.

"Come in." She faked a smile and stepped aside to make room for him.

He seemed to be confused by her reaction, because for God's sakes he was gone for a whole year and she was, so calm? Like he was gone for one week on a book tour.

Anyways he stepped inside through the threshold, taking a look around her old loft.

He was studying her surroundings just like Richard Castle did. Damn he was handling his role pretty good. Whoever that guy was she was about to take him down.

When he was about to turn around to face her, already opening his mouth to ask a question she pelted him in the face with her elbow, making him spin around and lose balance. Oomph.

"Kate, what are you doing?" He held up his hands around his head to protect himself from her, blood running out from his nose.

Looking at the exact copy of Richard Castle getting hurt didn't made her stop even for a second.

She grabbed him by the shoulders and hit him with a knee in the ribs, making him stumble backwards crying out in pain.

Before he can even figure out her next move, she was already pointing her gun at him.

"Who are you working for?" She spoke through gritted teeth, watching him squirm in pain.

"Kate, please-"

"Speak." She raised her tone, shaking the gun at him, which made him shut his eyes closed.

"Okay – wait, please – Kate. Please don't shoot!" His hands were shaking. "Let me explain, I know it's hard for you to believe right –"

"Did Nieman did the surgery for you? Huh?" Kate stepped closer to him. "Where's the real Richard Castle?"

"I am the real Richard Castle!" He cried out, catching on his breath, coughing.

"Bullshit!" Tears gathered in her eyes. She was near the point of break down, she knew it. And it was not going to be pretty.

"Please put the gun down – I swear it's me, Kate. I swear – I can prove it to you in any way you want, just please calm down."

"Why, so you can attack me when I put it down?"

"Hell no! Kate why would I do that?"

"Because you are the psychopath, who is pretending to be my dead fiancé!" She shouted at him, holding herself back from pushing the gun trigger.

His chest was raising up and down rapidly, trying to think of way to convince her that he is not psychopath and it's the real him.

"Ask me." She heard him say and her eyebrows gathered in confusion.

"What?"

"Whatever you want." He challenged her and her arms eased a little bit, making him calm down. But her gun was still pointed at him.

"Okay, fine." She simply said and then "But if you think about some of the questions for at least three seconds I'll sprinkle your skull."

Her statement made him panic, but was the real Richard Castle and he knew everything about himself, so he could do this. He had to prove her.

"Challenge accepted."

"Which is the first alias your father used for CIA?"

"Jackson Hunt."

"Second?"

"Anderson Cross."

"First inspiration to write your first novel?"

"One Life to Live."

"Safe word?"

"Apples." He smirked at her, but she wasn't showing any kind of amusement, so he went back to serious face.

"When was Heat Wave released?"

"On September 24, 2009." He quickly said, but then grimaced and formed 'o' with his mouth. "No, wait – don't shoot. September 29."

"My birthday?"

"November 17, 1979" Before she could move on another question he interrupted. "You were raised in Manhattan. I figured out that by myself on the first case we worked together. Back then you were with short hair and you hated my guts."

He expected her to soften a little bit or say something, but she kept on asking questions.

"My aunt's name?"

"Theresa, she loves my books." Smirked formed on his bloody by the nearly-broken nose, lips.

"My cousin?"

"Sofia, she once tried my smorelette and said it was awesome."

She stood there for a while, biting on her bottom lip.

"I don't know what else to ask."

"You still don't believe me?"

"I don't know." She growled her hands getting tired of holding the gun, so she managed to lower it a little bit. Still not ready to pull it away.

"I think you just don't want to believe." He mumbled huskily. "Am I right?"

"You are damn right I don't want to believe. You know why?" Emotion clanged into her expression. "Because I couldn't dare look at photo of you, I couldn't go to your grave, I couldn't be next to your mother or daughter, because I was too hurt to do anything that reminded me of _you_. And now here you are in front of me. You could've at least called and let me know you are still out there alive. I blamed myself for betraying you, I was on the edge of jumping out from a cliff. Why would you do that to me?"

She was not going to cry.

 _Don't you dare Kate._

He saw how hurt she was and how much she had changed. And it was his fault. All of it.

"Listen –"

"I don't want to listen. I have listened enough. I am – I…" Her voice broken, her gun at her side no more pointing at him. "I can't even look at you right now." She whispered and he stepped closer.

"Kate I would have called and you know it. But the only people I was allowed to talk with were my mother and daughter. It was too risky."

A cloud of thunders came upon her face, watching him furiously.

"Martha and Alexis knew?" He barely heard her say it, watching her start to pace around the room, running a hand through her short hair. He shouldn't have said that one.

"Everybody were aware that you are alive and nobody managed to share it with me?" Her spine tensed and she laughed. She laughed.

"Get out."

"Kate-"

"Get out!" she screamed at him, throwing everything she could reach at him.

"I am not getting out till you let me explain." He looked at her with wide eyes.

She was silent for period of time and he took last three steps, so he could stand right in front of her. She was shaking and tears were streaming down her cheeks. Damn it. Her emotions couldn't hold back anymore.

She was avoiding his gaze, staring in the middle of his chest. Then she felt him lift his hand up to touch her elbow, but she pushed him by the chest away from her, making him stumble backwards.

"Don't touch me!" She hissed.

Hint of pain colored his soft face, looking like a little boy rejected by Santa Claus.

Then it hit him.

Kate needed time and he must earn her trust back again.

"I am sorry, I am not going to touch you." He spoke hoarsely. "I am – ugh I am going to go now, but I'll be back." He wiped away the blood that was still running down from his nose and turned around to exit her apartment.

 _'_ _I'll be back'_ echoed inside of her head.

Alcohol.

She needed some alcohol.

 **Reviews?**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Firstly: I want to apologize for making you wait, so long, but I was out of town. Secondary: I am really sorry this chapter is shorter, but I will make it up to you somehow. Thirdly: I know there are a lot of things and questions to be resolved and I can assure you that you'll learn more in the next chapter.**

 **Enjoy!**

"One more." She mumbled to the male bartender, hitting the empty glass into the wooden bar. Her throat was burning from the amount she had already drank, but the pain was still deep inside her.

One of the reasons why Kate liked to drink alcohol is its value as a relaxant. If she is tired after a long, frustrating day of work, a drink or two can go a long way towards "taking the edge off." But tonight it was the different. The reason was completely different and all she wanted to do is forget. If not permanently, just for now.

Kate could feel the effect after each sip – she was less sensitive to pain, and she didn't hear, see or taste as well. It was all she wanted – _to not feel_.

By 'using' alcohol to help her sleep, stop worrying so much, she ran the risk of making it a habit. Which already happened to her the last year, during the Richard Castle's "disappearance". Thank God it was Lanie to keep her from drinking to death.

Usually Kate Beckett was not that kind of person.

The man at the bar looked at her through narrowed eyes, extending his hand to give her the cup of strong alcohol. Something like 'thanks' came out from her mouth as a response while wrapping her hand around the cold cup. Swallowing down the liquid, she felt her throat tightening and burning, making her shut her eyes closed.

 _Too much._

A tear slipped out from one of her closed eyes, making everything around her even more blurry than before. She was shattered and worn out.

"Lady?" a deep voice spoke somewhere near her. "Are you alright?"

The bartender.

"Mm-hmmm." She hummed, the corner of her mouth forming in some kind of forced tired smile.

"You seem pretty wasted." He took the glass away from her, making her frown, but she was too inadequate to argue. "Is there someone who might get you back at home?"

"No." she shook her head, her eyes focused somewhere behind the man. "It's – listen… I am on my own, nobody is in my life. I am all alone-" she waved her hand in front of him, dropping it back down on the bar.

He just started at her blankly.

"Miss, we are closing very soon. It's getting late, so would you like to give me someone's number who can come and get you? Friend or family member?"

She let out a puff of air, feeling her stomach already getting effect from the amount of alcohol. "Thanks, but I'm going to take a cab."

Her legs were unsteady, but somehow she managed to push herself up from the chair, making her way slowly out of this place. Helping herself with the walls and everything surrounding her she heard the man saying something like 'Are you sure?' behind her back, but she was too far away and exhausted to reply him.

When she went out from the bar cold air filled her lungs and rain was pouring into the empty streets, wetting her clothes and hair.

Herself-criticism has disappeared and she was exaggerated. Her face was red and her pupils dilate. Her senses were numbed and she was confused. There were no people or cars around her and only thing she could do is keep stumblingly walk forward until she spot a taxi.

Her work pants were already getting damp and her feet were hurting from the high heels, which made it even harder to walk. Especially when the surroundings were spinning.

Walking into the empty alleys she listened to the water running down the shafts and watched at the lightning reflecting in the windows of the buildings, the raindrops hitting her face. Her right hand was holding onto the walls to keep herself upright, but with each step she felt weaker.

Stumbling over herself Beckett felt her legs refusing to continue and her head pounding hard against her skull. There was nothing she could do. She couldn't even gather enough energy to pull out her phone and call her dad.

Feeling the blood running out of her brain system and her legs giving out, it felt like she was entering a dream world where every sound was magnified and everything went black. It was very trippy.

Her eyelids slipped shut and her hand dropped from the wall next to her, giving up.

Before falling down the last thing she registered is familiar hands wrapping around her torso holding her upright and brushing the damp hair out of her forehead, whispering "I've got you, Kate."

…. To Be Continued ….

 **Reviewing would be very nice! c:**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I just want to say that I don't think of myself as a writer or something professional. Nope. I just enjoy writing stories based on my imagination and the desire to write it down. I want to help people to get through the hiatus. So if you enjoy my story I am glad you do, but if you don't feel like it's your thing, just don't read it. Thanks. x**

 **Previously on Wonderland:**

Before falling down the last thing she registered is familiar hands wrapping around her torso holding her upright and brushing the damp hair out of her forehead, whispering "I've got you, Kate."

 **Xxx**

He watched her all night by the chair next to his king sized bed where she was sleeping peacefully.

Where she used to cuddle into him every night and listen to the way he was pressing the keyboard buttons without stopping, teasing him about getting muscles on his fingers. Where she used to open herself at him and share everything that frustrated her about the case they were investigating.

Where they used to make _love_ one year ago.

Tears were gathering in his eyes, but he stopped himself before they could slip out, because she was right there and he was determined to keep her forever. Not letting her go.

Instead of crying he studied her.

There were dark shadows under her closed eyes, besides the ruined mascara caused from yesterday's rain. Her forehead was shining from sweat and there were small wrinkles between her two eyebrows from frowning and grimacing too much. And crying.

He wondered what's different about her and he finally found something. Following the lines of her face he noticed her hair is shorter than before. Which reminded him of seven years ago when her hair was adorably short and she hated his guts. But now it wasn't like this, it was elegant and in some way making her look sad. Maybe she wanted it that way. It was breaking his heart knowing how much she had been struggling.

The shining diamond on her left hand got his attention. She was still wearing it. Weak smile formed on his lips, feeling some kind of hope for them.

But it immediately disappeared.

Hearing her whimpering and mumbling something, made him glance up back at her face. Kate was waking up. Crap. He didn't know how she would react, but he was prepared for anything that was about to come.

 _Not letting her go._

The moment her eyes adjusted to the brightness of the bedroom her eyes settled on his. Confusion and hurt was written over her face, looking around the room. She was at Castle's apartment.

Room.

Bed.

And there was him staring at her carefully through nervous lashes, waiting for some kind of outcome for bringing her here.

They were staring for a moment at each other. Rick felt the tension in the room building up and his palms sweating from the blank look on her face. She looked more sick and confused rather than angry or frustrated. Which was good for now, right?

She extended her right hand up to press it to her mouth, watching somewhere behind him. Before he could register what was going on with her, she pushed away the sheets and ran towards the bathroom falling onto her knees in front of the toilet. He patted across the room to help her, but before he even had the chance to squat next to her she mumbled through cracked voice "Please…" her forehead resting against the edge of the toilet, her palm pressed to her abdomen. "Don't come in."

He couldn't just leave her alone in there, but he didn't want to push her either. Ugh.

"Do you want me to call a doctor?"

"No." her bottom lip quivered and hot tears started dripping down on her smashed to the cold toilet cheeks.

"Are you sure?" Castle hated being helpless, especially when somebody was feeling sick. Standing in the doorway he heard her whisper "Can you get me a cup of water?"

"Be right back." He quickly made his way to the kitchen, searching through the empty cabinets for any medication that was not out of date. After dropping half of the bottles with pills, he found the Aspirin and took a cup of water, running back to where Kate was getting through her nausea.

Typical symptoms of a hangover may include headache, drowsiness, concentration problems, dry mouth, dizziness, fatigue, sweating, nausea and anxiety. She had them all. And it was not for first time this year.

When Kate felt his hand nudging her arm to take the cup and the pill, she quickly placed it between her lips and swallowed it down along with the sweet water.

Few minutes passed and she finally gathered some power to brush the hair out of her face and try standing up on her legs. Unfortunately everything in front of her became black and her whole body swayed. "Woah." Rick took her by the arm, to keep her upright, but she quickly drew her arm away from his touch. Rick's heart shattered by the rejection of help, but he just remained quiet and patient.

When the black disappeared from her vision, she slowly made her way out, but Rick took her by the wrist gently, before she could go any further. "Where are you going?"

"Home." she simply replied, but he only raised his eyebrow at her.

"Home? You're barely keeping your eyes open." It was the truth. She felt horrible, but she couldn't allow him to find an excuse to just keep her here. "I can't leave you alone in this state."

"Let go." She mumbled through gritted teeth, yanking her hand back.

"No." he gripped her hand a little firmer, but not too firm.

"Let me go!" her voice cracked a bit, which she totally disliked, because of the hidden weakness in it.

"I am not letting you until you are able to stand on your feet without stumbling on each step, and I am not letting you go until you talk to me." He stepped closer to her.

"What if I don't want to talk, huh?"

"Then I am not letting you go." He simply shrugged his arms, feeling her tense against his hand.

"You don't get to decide." She continued trying to yank her hand back, but his grip was too strong. _Damn it, Castle._

He knew her and her walls better than anyone else. If he let her go she is going to run away and keep hiding in her own cave. Not gonna happen.

"Why don't you just talk to me for a second?" he looked at her with pleading eyes, wishing she could just open up a little.

Kate looked up at him for a moment, gathering her thoughts and sighed in defeat. "Fine, I'll stay hour or so until I feel better, but then I am going back at home." He noticed she was evading the 'talk' with him. She was avoiding his eyes and saying his name with among other things.

He thought about it and then nodded in agreement, letting her hand free from his grip. She rubbed the red line around her wrist and he led her back to the bedroom.

 **...To Be Continued...**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I just want to say huge 'Thank you' to everyone who reviewed and read my fanfiction. You are really sweet! Here's another chapter.**

After swallowing the painkillers and drinking some Vitamin C, which Castle gave her, she told him she is going to get some "sleep" and he left her alone with understanding. Kate needed her privacy and he knew she did that only to avoid any talking with him. Which was driving him insane, but he remained calm and went to the kitchen to make some lunch for later.

She told him one hour and then she was heading back at home, but deep inside he knew that was not going to happen. Of course he is not letting her go.

Back to his bedroom, where she was laying on what was supposed to be her side of the bed, Kate was not getting any sleep. Not when everything she wanted to run away from right now was here. His scent, his clothes, his sheets, the lion portrait on his wall. Not to mention every lion picture she looked at the past year, reminded her of _him_.

It was frustrating. Small part of her was happy he was alive and here, but big part of her was keeping her locked to herself. It was like she didn't want to believe, because if he – because she was scared.

She was scared that if she embarked in truth and allow herself to be next to him, Castle might disappear again. And she lost enough people in her life. Not to mention she already have "lost" him for once.

It's a hard thing to do—to completely let go of something painful and forgive the person who may or may not have realized what they did. Of course Castle did realize, but that's not the point. It's just hard to get used to him being here, so easy and pretend like nothing happened.

Important aspect of forgiving is being able to take some time to just be alone with your thoughts. It's important to take some time to get space, to spend some time on your own, and just to hang back from the person who has done you harm. She knew that, but Rick was stubborn and he would never give her the space for too long.

 _But he left._

For a whole year without even calling for at least one time.

Or tell his daughter and mother to share with her. It wasn't like Kate would start yelling around everybody that he is alive. Why would they keep it from her?

So how could she forgive someone when every fiber of her being resists? How could she look at him lovingly when she still had the memory of him sprawled dead on the floor? How do let go of the way you wish things had worked out if only they made a different choice?

She didn't know.

Thirty minutes passed and Kate was getting bored laying in the bed, besides her head was pounding from overthinking. But she didn't know how to go out there and act, or what to do. Maybe easiest way was just to go home.

Searching for her own clothes Kate realized that she was wearing Castle's top and his baggy pants. Did he undressed her last night? Trying to calm her breathing and stop thinking, she finally spotted her now dry clothes on the chair by the bathroom and dressed up.

When Kate quietly opened his bedroom door she spotted him in the kitchen cooking and humming some kind of a song to himself. Taking the opportunity to sneak out she quickly patted towards the exit on her toes, reaching for her shoes. It was going to be easier and soundlessly if she just take the shoes in her hand and get-

"Kate?" he called her name and she closed her eyes cursing to herself.

 _Crap._

Finding some kind of strength she turned around to face him. "Yes?"

Confusion was written over his beautiful ocean eyes and he was holding out the pan with eggs at her direction, for some kind of reason. It was just instinct. "Wha-what's up, where are you going?"

She sighed and kept on avoiding his pleading eyes. It was too much. "I am going home."

"I thought you said one hour, not-"He paused to look down at the silver watch on his wrist "thirty minutes?"

"Yeah, well I need to go now." She turned around back to make her way out, but before she could, a fist pushed the door closed keeping it there. "What the hell?" Her eyebrows knitted together in anger.

"I told you that you aren't going anywhere until we talk." He acted brave, but that wasn't in much use for this situation.

"Who are you to give me ultimatums?"

"I am Richard Castle. Your fiancé." He pointed at the ring on her left hand, making her glance down for a second. "See?"

"Well the Richard Castle I knew wouldn't just leave me thinking he is dead the whole time and then show up and think that everything is going to be back as normal on the first second. He would go through everything to make at least one call." Emotion clanged into her voice and she quickly cleared her throat.

"Kate, I tried. I really tried-"She shook her head at him and he managed to change tactics. "Okay, let's just – just come sit on the couch for some time and let's talk. I'll explain to you, I'll answer you. Let's just clear things up and – see where it's going to lead us."

"You don't get it, do you?" she snapped at him. "I don't want to talk. I don't want to clear things up, because if I do it, the pain is still going to be there. I can't just act like nothing happened and forget about it, I can't – it's in my brain and it's going to stick around a long period of time. You can't just click your fingers and make it go away, it's my biggest weakness. You are my biggest weakness and every time I see you, or talk about you or whatever – I feel fucked up."

He was staring at her and letting her spit out the hurt and pain gathered inside her.

"If we clear things up then I would feel required to forgive you and I can't just forget about it, it's not that easy to-"

"Wait a second." He interrupted, frustrated by her speech. Something inside of him wasn't completely agreed with her statements. "You think it's all about you, right? Did you ever wonder what was like about me, huh? Do you know how hard it was for me to stay ten months in warehouse not allowed to do anything, but sleep, eat and read stupid old fashioned magazines from the 90's? Actually that wasn't, so bad. The hardest part was thinking about you the whole time and wishing, so bad I could call you, but – I – they couldn't, they just didn't allow me to. And did someone informed you that during the first two months I was trying to survive, because I wanted to come back alive to you and my family?"

She remained quiet and some part of her was guilty, because she didn't know about most of the things he mentioned. And he was right, it was not only about her.

"I guess nobody told you, because you are too determined to listen only to yourself and don't let anyone near you. But I am not going to give up on you that easy. I didn't three years ago and now I won't. So you don't have much of a choice."

Though she felt bitterness, anger, hurt, or confusion, she should find a way to delicately state these things instead of exploding or saying something she didn't really mean just to cause a scene. She could tell he went through a lot of things, too and instead of making it harder, this time she decided to reconcile.

Her hand dropped the boots she was holding and she nodded at him, making her way back to the couch quietly. He felt his heart pounding hard against his ribs, because did he just convinced her to stay?

Victory for Castle.

It was like this for couple of minutes. Quiet, none of them talking or looking at each other. Rick went back to the kitchen to serve the lunch into separate plates, not even asking if she was hungry, because he knew she haven't eaten anything for today. He placed two toasted to charcoal slices of bread in her plate for her upset stomach and made his way back to the couch.

Kate made a quick eye contact with him when he offered her the plate and she smiled weakly whispering 'Thank you'.

He plopped down on the other end of the couch keeping distance, giving her the space she needed.

When he finished with his meal, she was still struggling to eat the charcoal bread, grimacing at the bad taste.

"Do you want some tea?" he offered kindly and she swallowed, before speaking.

"Yeah, actually. I feel very warm and it's not like I am running over a hangover, I feel like it is flu or something." She frowned down at her plate.

"Oh." His eyebrows gathered together. "Well, then I'll go get the thermometer and check your temperature and then give you something for it, if that's okay?"

She was actually really nervous, because this was their first real conversation without snapping or yelling at each other. It was weird.

"Yeah." Kate nodded slightly and watched him stand up from the soft couch. Before he could go she called out for him "Castle?"

His heart dropped a beat right in the second he heard her saying his name. The first time in whole year and finally she said it. His name. He turned around to look at her sweaty from what it seemed to be high temperature, face. "Yeah?"

"Can I stay in the guest room for tonight, if that's okay?"

Of course it was okay.

It was more than okay.

 _It was a start._

 **Please review? c:**


	6. Chapter 6

She was right. It was a flu, besides the horrible hangover.

The thermometer Castle gave her was showing 39C, which was not good.

It always happens: No matter how hard you try to prevent it, you catch the nasty cold that's going around. But when you get blindsided by that bug, it's time to slow down and take care of yourself. Of course, right now Rick would want to take care of her, which was relieving and stressful at the same time. She didn't know why.

"Is Benylin, okay for you?" he turned around from the kitchen counter to look at Kate, who was laying on the couch with hand pressed against her burning forehead.

"Whatever. I just don't want to feel like one of the bodies resting on top of Lanie's morgue table." She mumbled under her stuffy nose.

"Except that they are cold. Not burning." He joked, while mixing some Benylin with hot tea.

"Right."

This whole thing was nice. Talking like their old selves, joking. So simple.

But there were still a lot of things that weren't resolved between them. She was still distant from him. Even when he offered her the cup of tea she tried to avoid brushing her hand against his in between the exchange.

Kate propped herself upwards against the couch's arm to be able to drink properly the medication he gave her. While she was blowing her tea to cool it down, he was sitting on the other end, studying her.

The loft had never been this quiet before, when she used to live with him one year ago. She wondered what's different and then it hit her.

"Where are Alexis and Martha?" she found herself asking softly, feeling weird for mentioning them, because the whole time she was keeping herself from saying those two names out loud. It was painful to think about anyone related to him.

"They were asked by the FBI to give indication about the year I was missing. I think afterwards they are going to stay off in the Hamptons for a week or somethin'." He mumbled, some kind of shame filling in his voice.

She wanted to ask 'Why is FBI embroiled in this and what it has to do with his disappearance.' And so many other unanswered questions, but not yet. She wasn't ready. A sly nod was her response and then she found herself asking "Why would they – you know –"Her arms shrugged like it's no big deal. "Keep it from me?"

Rick's head turned to look at her with furrowed eyebrows. "They didn't kept it from you, Kate."

She just remained quiet, still unconvinced in what he said. "Hey, – look. You can blame me for everything if you want, but don't blame them. Because they don't have anything to do with it, they were just told not to. I know I hurt you a lot that Alexis and my mother knew and you did not. But they are my family and they were the only people to whom I was allowed to call. It was too risky to connect with anyone else." He tried to explain, hoping for some kind of understanding from her.

"And what I am? A hamster?" Really, Kate? That's the best you've got? She thought to herself.

"Kate, please don't do this, you know you're –"

"You know, what? It was a long and exhausting day. I am going to get some sleep, thanks for the tea." She placed the cup on the mini table and stood up from the soft couch where they were sitting, making her way up to his guest room.

"Kate, hey – Kate. Come back, let me explain." He sighed in defeat and trapped his head between his palms, massaging slightly. She was blocking him out.

At least she didn't changed her mind about staying at his loft, yet.

 **Xxx**

Somewhere during the night she woke up with massive dryness inside of her mouth. It was like someone sucked all the fluid and water from her body. Then made her go in solarium, too.

Her head was pounding painfully.

It was horrible, especially when she felt, so weak and sleepy. But she couldn't just fall asleep again and forget about the desert on her tongue. She remembered how her mother always said those words when she was sick and refused to drink medication _'Kate, don't be a stubborn, you have to keep yourself hydrated with lots of water and an occasional electrolyte drinks.'_

Her lips curved into a weak smile at the sweet memory of her laying helpless in the bed and her mother extending tons of medication at her.

Gathering some power she propped herself upwards on her elbows and then slipped her feet from the bed, stepping on the cold, wooden floor. Swaying around in the darkness, Kate found the stairs and carefully made her way down to the kitchen where she could finally reach the sink.

Finally. Water. Thank, God.

Feeling warmer than usually she knew her body temperature was higher than normally. She fumbled through the bottles of pills, without turning on any lights that may wake up Castle. The moonlight was surprisingly helpful at the moment. She found the one Rick gave her 'Benylin' and took 2 of them, gulping down the medication among with 2 cups of water. Damn. She was really dehydrated.

Watching downwards she felt some kind of a moving shadow of body, reflected in the sink from the light of the moon. The shadow was getting bigger and bigger with each passing second and before she could think of something wiser, her body turned around to the person in the dark, colliding her fist with his nose.

"Awwwgh!" A grunt left his mouth and he swayed backwards. She instantly recognized this grunt. "Oh my -." And quickly found the lamp key, turning it on.

"Castle!?" she squeaked in regret that she fisted him in the face. But she thought it was someone else, the –

"Really? Again, Kate?" he growled, standing down on his knees on the floor, holding onto his bloody nose.

Taking him gently by the elbow, she helped him get up on his feet. Glancing down at the blood drops stained on his white shirt her eyes looked up at his, filled with an apology. "I am, so – I am, so sorry."

His lips curved into a sweet smile, behind the hand pressed against his face. "It's fine. It's my fault – I shouldn't have sneaked, so quietly behind you."

"C'mon, let's put something on it." She kept her grasp firm on his arm, leading him to the bathroom.

 _'_ _Very good move, Detective Beckett.'_ She remained quietly at herself.

 **Xxx**

"Stand still." She mumbled, holding his head downwards.

"It hurts." He whined, shutting his eyes closed.

He was sitting on the toilet with Kate standing on her knees, between his tights. In this situation he couldn't even think of this as 'strangely arousing', because of the pain in his nose. This one was worse than the time she knocked him in the face, when he showed up at her apartment.

"You have to stand like this while breathing through your mouth so the blood does not drain down your throat." She instructed, holding his jaw and scalp. Touching the soft skin of his face, she felt it thinner than before.

"What if it's broken?" he looked up at her and she gently pushed his head back downwards.

"It's not broken." Her eyes rolled and she found herself realizing from how much time he hadn't made her roll those eyeballs.

Of course he would smirk at her Detective voice and constructions. "You know a lot about broken noses."

Ignoring his playful attitude, she took the ice from the floor next to her, wrapping it in washcloth. Lifting his chin slightly she cleaned the dry blood around the base of his mouth.

"To reduce swelling, we have to apply a cold compress to your nose for 5 to 10 minutes, so don't move and it will hurt less." He nodded at her and winced at the cold ice colliding with his soft ruggedly handsome face.

 **Xxx**

Ten minutes passed in dead silence. She was standing there between his tights, keeping the washcloth with ice gently on his nose, studying his face in the meantime. It was like she wanted to make up for all the time she thought he was dead, and look at him. Really look at him, not only glance for a second.

"You can do a great nurse, Kate." He smiled jokingly and she chuckled at his _'kid on a sugar rush'_ side.

"Thanks, but I am good as a detective." She responded teasingly, moving the washcloth to the left side of his nose, where was more swollen and reddened. Out of nowhere her free hand lifted up to stroke his soft cheek, barely touching it. God, she missed him. But on the other hand there were so many undone things between them that she wished she could forget about. Unfortunately it was not that easy. If they go too fast into this without settling things between them, it will get worse.

He noticed that Kate was softer with him and the look on her eyes showed that she wanted _him_. And he wanted _her_ , but then her hand quickly dropped away from his face and she stood up.

"Go and change your shirt, I'll get you some painkillers."

"Alright." Rick simply responded, without pushing it. He reminded himself to give her the space she needed. Despite the desire to wrap her around his torso in a tight hug and kiss those salty from tears lips.

 **…** **To be continued…**

 **Reviews makes me want to write more. :)**


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